Next time you are on social media and see a mother post about her kids, I want you to stop and think before you comment. I've been witnessing a whole lot of parenting advice lately, and it's not even my experiences that have got my undies in a bunch today . Nor am I talking about some crazy celebrity getting trolled or some major news story. I'm talking about other regular Moms I know who are posting sweet, funny, crazy anecdotes about their parenting experiences. Sometimes it's not a funny moment, maybe a sweet glimpse or a "first" she wanted to share. I usually imagine the Mother doing a lot of laugh-crying or literal they-grow-so-fast-crying while taking the pictures. It's a moment that only sarcasm and laugh-crying are the things holding you together. I assume, the Mother, like myself, wants to remember this in her modern day version of creative memories, aka Facebook and would like someone to laugh with her or gush about how sweet her babies are. Whatever it is, please stop for a moment and ask yourself these questions before commenting:
1. Is the Mother asking a question, or making a statement?
Did the Mother ask for advice? Did the post end with a "?" If not, don't give advice. Your option are laugh with her, lament with her, praise her, compliment her children or keep scrolling.
Personal example. The day we brought TJ home from the hospital, we were so excited that we took pictures of him all around his room (in his crib, me rocking him, on his changing table, in the bath). I posted a picture of him screaming in his crib, amongst other pictures of his arrival home, and joked about not getting to sleep. I had multiple people recommend sleep books, sent links to swaddle blankets and even message me about how they got their child to sleep. Really!? First of all, he was 5 days old, he doesn't need a sleep book, he needs to be held. Second of all, I wasn't actually trying to put him to sleep. Thirdly, thank you for ruining my excitement. Keep scrolling.
2. Does the Mother have a brain?
If she is alive, the answer is yes. That means you are to give her the benefit of the doubt that she has basic levels of common sense and:
A. Would not want any harm to come to her children. She knows safety laws and has probably researched many was to keep her child safe in all sorts of circumstances.
B. She loves her children and is doing her best.
C. You are only getting a 1 second shot at the situation. She probably didn't go into to details about all of the safety precautions, rules or circumstances surrounding how this crazy event came about. Nor does she have to explain why one child has a huge ice cream cone and the other child has a small one. Whatever her reason, I'm sure its the right one.
D. You are also human. No one is perfect.
3. How often do you have actual contact with this Mother?
Chances are, if you have a personal relationship with this Mother, her post wouldn't surprise. You already know a lot of the inner workings of her family and you would understand the tone to her post. Commenting or maybe even cautiously giving advice would seem appropriate because you've probably already discussed it with her. I am not against productive criticism, but criticism is usually only productive when it comes from someone who truly knows you and can do it in a loving way. If you are a distant relative, acquaintance or other back in the day friend, assume A-D.
4. Is your question/comment leading or otherwise nosy?
#4 should really address both sides, the writer and the reader. Writer: If you are about to post something, you are putting it out there on social media, don't be cryptic or leave people hanging. If you aren't willing to give the details, I wouldn't recommend posting. This can also be true for the Mother who continually lament posts about the same problem. At some point people are going to think it's a cry for help, you are leaving the advice door WIDE open. Reader: I would assume part C question 2. and proceed with an option from question 1, laugh, praise, lament, compliment or keep scrolling.
Listen, we've all done it. I guarantee I have, probably more times than I even realize. Let's be honest, the other Mothers are the worst. So, let's all choose to use our common sense and assume others are too.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
My children are not an inconvienence
So here's my rant......I went to the grocery store with all 3 loves this morning. That means I am wearing the baby and the boys are being pushed in the ever coveted car cart. My small caravan seems to draw attention. It's only 3 children people. The boys were unusually well behaved. They sat nicely in the cart and pretended they were driving. Lulu slept the entire time and everything was right in the world. {Well, enter other shoppers stage left} So we are cruising along and I've received a number of kind smiles with the pause and head nod. These are my favorite, it's usually another mother. It's her way of acknowledging another Mama in the thick of it. Then a husband and wife duo pass and the wife "whispers" to her husband, "Double Trouble" this was not a cute acknowledgement. It was a hushed remark noting the inconvenience of my children. I kept pushing my caravan and come to a woman with her baby, who stops and says "You sure have YOUR hands full" again, this wasn't a complement is was an exasperated remark that my children are an inconvenience. Usually, I just politely smile when people comment on my "Hands being full" but there was something to her tone that annoyed me. I kept walking and just said, "full of my greatest gifts". I am typically equally annoyed {apparently, I need to have a good look at myself, because I am often annoyed} at the overly sentimental people who would say something like that. "Your greatest gift", "It goes so quick" or "Enjoy every moment" {I know people! I know! I really truly know. I love them little. I would pause them at these ages forever if I could} This was not another Mama saying, "Carry on Soldier, carry on." it was negative and I wanted her to know that my children are cherished. Why do I feel like people act like kids are an inconvenience? {Don't even get me started on the idea of bringing treat bags on airplanes because you have to breath the same air as my children. How is that a thing? Get over yourself.} Better yet, why do I also feel that way myself at times? They are not an afterthought or an inconvenience, they are a prized possession I am lucky to have received......at least this is what the small voice has been reminding me the last few months.
Gosh people, this parenting gig is HARD. I babysat, worked as a nanny, worked in a daycare and taught for 6 yrs. I have the most expansive experience of anyone I know, but it is still harder than I could have imagined. I have witnessed good parenting. I feel like I am even the recipient of good parenting. It is a constant dance of boundaries, limits, love, consequences, letting go, and grace. I feel like my days/weeks are spent balancing my blinding rage and seeing through tearful tenderness. Having a 3rd baby has pushed me to my limit. It has challenged me in ways I didn't want to be challenged. It has forced me to look to myself as the source of my frustration. The problem is not the small people who need me, it is me and my battle trying to maintain my "self".
I am a creative person. I enjoy expressing creativity in pretty much everything I do, decorating, throwing parties, exercising, cooking, writing, reading, organizing, crafting, sewing and pretty much anything else. Raising children and running a home make it hard to find time to invest in things creatively. There isn't enough time in the day for me to take care of everything and sit down to a project. A large part of this is also due to my constant need for a controlled environment. I thrive in a clean, organized home. My need for cleanliness and organization run deep into my soul. Children naturally do a great job of creating the opposite of cleanliness and organization. Amy's idea of order + Children = frustration. I have enough sense to allow my children to be children and enjoy them in the moment, but there is also a constant underlying boil of frustration from the chaos.
With each additional child, my ability to maintain order and have creative outlets has gotten harder and harder. With 2, it was hard, but still manageable. But, with a 3rd, not going to happen. These last 3 months have been hard. Creative outlets? What the heck are those, I just want to get some of the laundry done and poop in private. My sweet Lulu has been suffering from reflux. She was unhappy and cried ALL. THE. TIME. {I say WAS because we seem to have finally found her some relief. Praise be to God!} And the icing on the cake was and is Tim's traveling schedule, it has hit it into high gear the last few months. If you want to find your breaking point, have your husband travel for 9 days and leave you alone with a 2 yr old, 3 yr old and 5 week old. It is impossible to get anything done when a baby is screaming. It is equally impossible to get anything done while holding or even wearing a baby. When I would run errands the boys walk slow, ask questions and touch things. All completed by the constant crying of Lulu in the background. I have places to be and things to do. Get it together kids, Mama doesn't have time for this. I just wanted to get some things done without them constantly interrupting. Everything was hard and felt inconvenient {unbuckling three children to walk 2 ft to drop off the dry cleaning will send me into a tantrum}. Well, I'm pretty sure Lulu and I were crying together one night and I cried out to God. I think I said something like, "This is hard. Really, really hard. I just want to feel normal and myself again. I am overwhelmed. Help me!" My interpretation of "normal" is code for, help Lulu to stop crying so I can get things done and the boys to be better listeners and become robots so I don't have to keep parenting them. Then I will be able to be "Amy" again, Okay? I want to clean my house, get back to the gym, and I've got a few sewing projects I'd like to get to. Thanks, that'd be great. God met me in my brokenness, but it wasn't with a silent baby and robots. It's with the a renewed idea of dying to self, putting others before me and what my expectation for "normal" is. "Amy" is not lost, but she needs to get over her"self" and get her priorities straight. I have an amazing "creative outlet" at my disposal, my children. They are not an inconvenience to what I am trying to get done or my attempts to maintain "Amy" or my house. They are my greatest challenge, greatest treasure and my greatest achievement. Some days, my only note worthy task may be calming a screaming baby. That is it.
This is hard and this "hard" is my season. I don't say that in a "woe is me" kind of way. I say that encouraged. At some point, I will live in an organized house, cook a wonderful meal for a dinner party, sew an adorable baby present, regularly make it to the gym, poop alone and be generally awesome. Until then, I will just be generally awesome right where I'm at.
Gosh people, this parenting gig is HARD. I babysat, worked as a nanny, worked in a daycare and taught for 6 yrs. I have the most expansive experience of anyone I know, but it is still harder than I could have imagined. I have witnessed good parenting. I feel like I am even the recipient of good parenting. It is a constant dance of boundaries, limits, love, consequences, letting go, and grace. I feel like my days/weeks are spent balancing my blinding rage and seeing through tearful tenderness. Having a 3rd baby has pushed me to my limit. It has challenged me in ways I didn't want to be challenged. It has forced me to look to myself as the source of my frustration. The problem is not the small people who need me, it is me and my battle trying to maintain my "self".
I am a creative person. I enjoy expressing creativity in pretty much everything I do, decorating, throwing parties, exercising, cooking, writing, reading, organizing, crafting, sewing and pretty much anything else. Raising children and running a home make it hard to find time to invest in things creatively. There isn't enough time in the day for me to take care of everything and sit down to a project. A large part of this is also due to my constant need for a controlled environment. I thrive in a clean, organized home. My need for cleanliness and organization run deep into my soul. Children naturally do a great job of creating the opposite of cleanliness and organization. Amy's idea of order + Children = frustration. I have enough sense to allow my children to be children and enjoy them in the moment, but there is also a constant underlying boil of frustration from the chaos.
With each additional child, my ability to maintain order and have creative outlets has gotten harder and harder. With 2, it was hard, but still manageable. But, with a 3rd, not going to happen. These last 3 months have been hard. Creative outlets? What the heck are those, I just want to get some of the laundry done and poop in private. My sweet Lulu has been suffering from reflux. She was unhappy and cried ALL. THE. TIME. {I say WAS because we seem to have finally found her some relief. Praise be to God!} And the icing on the cake was and is Tim's traveling schedule, it has hit it into high gear the last few months. If you want to find your breaking point, have your husband travel for 9 days and leave you alone with a 2 yr old, 3 yr old and 5 week old. It is impossible to get anything done when a baby is screaming. It is equally impossible to get anything done while holding or even wearing a baby. When I would run errands the boys walk slow, ask questions and touch things. All completed by the constant crying of Lulu in the background. I have places to be and things to do. Get it together kids, Mama doesn't have time for this. I just wanted to get some things done without them constantly interrupting. Everything was hard and felt inconvenient {unbuckling three children to walk 2 ft to drop off the dry cleaning will send me into a tantrum}. Well, I'm pretty sure Lulu and I were crying together one night and I cried out to God. I think I said something like, "This is hard. Really, really hard. I just want to feel normal and myself again. I am overwhelmed. Help me!" My interpretation of "normal" is code for, help Lulu to stop crying so I can get things done and the boys to be better listeners and become robots so I don't have to keep parenting them. Then I will be able to be "Amy" again, Okay? I want to clean my house, get back to the gym, and I've got a few sewing projects I'd like to get to. Thanks, that'd be great. God met me in my brokenness, but it wasn't with a silent baby and robots. It's with the a renewed idea of dying to self, putting others before me and what my expectation for "normal" is. "Amy" is not lost, but she needs to get over her"self" and get her priorities straight. I have an amazing "creative outlet" at my disposal, my children. They are not an inconvenience to what I am trying to get done or my attempts to maintain "Amy" or my house. They are my greatest challenge, greatest treasure and my greatest achievement. Some days, my only note worthy task may be calming a screaming baby. That is it.
This is hard and this "hard" is my season. I don't say that in a "woe is me" kind of way. I say that encouraged. At some point, I will live in an organized house, cook a wonderful meal for a dinner party, sew an adorable baby present, regularly make it to the gym, poop alone and be generally awesome. Until then, I will just be generally awesome right where I'm at.
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