My children are not an inconvienence

So here's my rant......I went to the grocery store with all 3 loves this morning.  That means I am wearing the baby and the boys are being pushed in the ever coveted car cart.  My small caravan seems to draw attention.  It's only 3 children people.  The boys were unusually well behaved.  They sat nicely in the cart and pretended they were driving.  Lulu slept the entire time and everything was right in the world.  {Well, enter other shoppers stage left}  So we are cruising along and I've  received a number of kind smiles with the pause and head nod.  These are my favorite, it's usually another mother.  It's her way of acknowledging another Mama in the thick of it.  Then a husband and wife duo pass and the wife "whispers" to her husband, "Double Trouble"  this was not a cute acknowledgement.  It was a hushed remark noting the inconvenience of my children.  I kept pushing my caravan and come to a woman with her baby, who stops and says "You sure have YOUR hands full" again, this wasn't a complement is was an exasperated remark that my children are an inconvenience.  Usually, I just politely smile when people comment on my "Hands being full" but there was something to her tone that annoyed me.  I kept walking and just said, "full of my greatest gifts".    I am  typically equally annoyed {apparently, I need to have a good look at myself, because I am often annoyed} at the overly sentimental people who would say something like that.  "Your greatest gift", "It goes so quick" or "Enjoy every moment" {I know people!  I know!  I really  truly know.  I love them little. I would pause them at these ages forever if I could} This was not another Mama saying, "Carry on Soldier, carry on."  it was negative and I wanted her to know that my children are cherished.  Why do I feel like people act like kids are an inconvenience? {Don't even get me started on the idea of bringing treat bags on airplanes because you have to breath the same air as my children.  How is that a thing?  Get over yourself.}  Better yet, why do I also feel that way myself at times?  They are not an afterthought or an inconvenience, they are a prized possession I am lucky to have received......at least this is what the small voice has been reminding me the last few months.

Gosh people, this parenting gig is HARD.  I babysat, worked as a nanny, worked in a daycare and taught for 6 yrs.  I have the most expansive experience of anyone I know, but it is still harder than I could have imagined. I have witnessed good parenting.  I feel like I am even the recipient of good parenting.  It is a constant dance of boundaries, limits, love, consequences, letting go, and grace.   I feel like my days/weeks are spent balancing my blinding rage and seeing through tearful tenderness.  Having a 3rd baby has pushed me to my limit.  It has challenged me in ways I didn't want to be challenged.  It has forced me to look to myself as the source of my frustration.  The problem is not the small people who need me, it is me and my battle trying to maintain my "self".

I am a creative person.  I enjoy expressing creativity in pretty much everything I do, decorating, throwing parties, exercising, cooking, writing, reading, organizing, crafting, sewing and pretty much anything else.  Raising children and running a home make it hard to find time to invest in things creatively.  There isn't enough time in the day for me to take care of everything and sit down to a project.  A large part of this is also due to my constant need for a controlled environment.  I thrive in a clean, organized home.  My need for cleanliness and organization run deep into my soul.  Children naturally do a great job of creating the opposite of cleanliness and organization.  Amy's idea of order + Children = frustration.  I have enough sense to allow my children to be children and enjoy them in the moment, but there is also a constant underlying boil of frustration from the chaos.

With each additional child, my ability to maintain order and have creative outlets has gotten harder and harder.  With 2, it was hard, but still manageable.  But, with a 3rd, not going to happen.  These last 3 months have been hard.  Creative outlets?  What the heck are those, I just want to get some of the laundry done and poop in private.  My sweet Lulu has been suffering from reflux.  She was unhappy and cried ALL. THE. TIME. {I say WAS because we seem to have finally found her some relief.  Praise be to God!} And the icing on the cake was and is Tim's traveling schedule, it has hit it into high gear the last few months.  If you want to find your breaking point, have your husband travel for 9 days and leave you alone with a 2 yr old, 3 yr old and 5 week old.   It is impossible to get anything done when a baby is screaming.  It is equally impossible to get anything done while holding or even wearing a baby.  When I would run errands the boys walk slow, ask questions and touch things.  All completed by the constant crying of Lulu in the background.  I have places to be and things to do.  Get it together kids, Mama doesn't have time for this.  I just wanted to get some things done without them constantly interrupting.  Everything was hard and felt inconvenient {unbuckling three children to walk 2 ft to drop off the dry cleaning will send me into a tantrum}.  Well, I'm pretty sure Lulu and I were crying together one night and I cried out to God.  I think I said something like, "This is hard.  Really, really hard.  I just want to feel normal and myself again.  I am overwhelmed.  Help me!"  My interpretation of "normal" is code for, help Lulu to stop crying so I can get things done and the boys to be better listeners and become robots so I don't have to keep parenting them.  Then I will be able to be "Amy" again, Okay?  I want to clean my house, get back to the gym, and I've got a few sewing projects I'd like to get to.  Thanks, that'd be great.    God met me in my brokenness, but it wasn't with a silent baby and robots.  It's with the a renewed idea of dying to self, putting others before me and what my expectation for "normal" is.  "Amy" is not lost, but she needs to get over her"self" and get her priorities straight.  I have an amazing "creative outlet" at my disposal, my children.    They are not an inconvenience to what I am trying to get done or my attempts to maintain "Amy" or my house.  They are my greatest challenge, greatest treasure and my greatest achievement.  Some days, my only note worthy task may be calming a screaming baby.  That is it.

This is hard and this "hard" is my season.   I don't say that in a "woe is me" kind of way.  I say that encouraged.  At some point, I will live in an organized house, cook a wonderful meal for a dinner party, sew an adorable baby present, regularly make it to the gym, poop alone and be generally awesome.  Until then, I will just be generally awesome right where I'm at.