Finding our Christmas

I was going to give the basic Christmas play-by-play, but there was so much more for me internally.  This felt like our first real Christmas as a family and I want to remember the inner workings of the beginning.  I want our family to look back and laugh at or appreciate all of my/our 'good intentions' for our family.

Tim and I had been talking a lot about what we want Christmas to be like for our family.  And when I say 'talking' I mean, I talk and he listens to all of my ideas and thoughts on celebrating for our family. What is Christmas going to be like so far away from home?  What will our Christmas celebrations be?  What will our traditions be?   Will we travel?  Will our tree be filled to overflowing with gifts or just a few? What will we teach them about Christ's birth and Santa?  What will we teach them about giving to others?  Now that I have my own children I find myself taking parenting far more serious than I ever thought I would.  Everything Tim and I do teaches them something, EVERYTHING.  I want to be an intentional parent, not a reactive one.  Part of that intention is to create traditions and memories around holidays.  I don't want to look back and wish we would have done more/less.   I may have.... been desperately trying to create some of this because I am away from everything I hold dear when it comes to Christmas.  All of my memories and traditions are in Minnesota.  So here I am without extended family or tradition.   The one benefit to being away from everything and everyone, is that we are able to create traditions that suit our family without the input and obligation of previous traditions. I don't mean for that to sound as horrible as it does, but there is a level of freedom we have that we wouldn't if we lived closer to family.  That freedom {obviously}created a lot of questions for me about what I want Christmas to be for our family, now and years to come.

Two of the three weeks before Christmas Tim was out of town on business.  Having him gone definitely effected how and what we did this year.  Having a 1 1/2 yr old and a 3 month old may have also been a deciding factor between what you want to do and what you actually do :)  When all was said and done I think we did just enough Christmas-y things for our little family.  We got our tree {the smell,  ooooooo the smell!!}, decorated the house, baked cookies together, read Christmas books before bed, went to a few Christmas parties, visited Tim's family in Jersey and went to Christmas Eve service at church.

Baking cookies proved to be more of a form of entertainment than an actual means for cookies.  There were many quality control issues as TJ picked and licked his way to happiness.  That being the case, I would say it was extremely successful.  One of the Christmas parties we attended asked everyone to bring a bag of groceries and a gift card to a grocery store for the local food bank.  I loved this.  Obviously TJ is a bit young to understand this, but I had him help me choose the groceries for "the kids who don't have food" to which he referred to as "no foo" when I asked him to put things in the cart.  We were able to visit Tim's family the weekend before Christmas.  Being in a house bustling with family, kids running around, siblings laughing.....it was like a Christmas miracle :)  it reminded me of home.

On Christmas eve, we kept with our "tradition" from last year; we went out to dinner before church, candlelight Christmas Eve service at church, came home, read the birth of baby Jesus, put the babies to bed and watched a Christmas movie by the fire.  On Christmas morning TJ decided 5:30 was a good time to get up {bah humbug}.  We got the dough ready for some homemade caramel rolls and snuggled  into a warm fire.  Our day was quiet.  We opened presents, sat by the fire, our neighbors {that have become our family} stopped by to give the boys a mountain of gifts, ate a big ham dinner and best of all, never got out of our pjs.

Being far away from home makes it hard to 'feel' like Christmas.  This will become my new normal and in a few years I'm sure it will 'feel' like Christmas.  I am not one for rushing childhood, but I am looking forward to the next few years when the boys are a bit older to understand and experience Christmas.  I can't wait to tell them more about the beautiful story of the birth of our Savior, bake cookies, decorate gingerbread houses, anxiously await presents, experience the joy of giving to others, feel the nostalgia that Christmas music brings and most of all the love of family.  I've already started working on an advent calendar for next year.......it may be a bit more ambitious than it needs to be {but let's be serious, of course I would do that to myself}.

3 and 20

Here is the monthly update on the boys.  Now is when everyone but my Mom can quit reading :)  I always meant to do this for TJ, but never got around to it and all of the moving we did his first year made it hard.  So now that I am doing it for Gil, I will just do it for both.  I feel funny saying TJ is "20 months".  I never really understand parents who tell their toddlers age in months.....26, 32......I seriously once had a lady say her kid was 56 months!  I sat there trying to do the math in my head while I smiled and nodded.  People are odd.  Isn't it a general rule that after they turn 2, you just say 2 and in a few months you would just say 2 1/2 and then at about 4-5 you just give the whole number (as the parent. Kids love to say they are __ AND A HALF when they are in elementary school and I would never want to take their joy of 1/2 and sometimes even 1/4 away).

Gilbert 3 months:

Weight: pleasantly plump
Height: 23-24"

Since we don't have a scale, I am unable to give any update on weight.  However, as you can see, he is filling in nicely.  TJ was so FAT at this age that we consider Gil a "skinny" baby.  When I measured him, he was wiggling all around and it was just under 24" which seems about right.

Gil's Favorite things:
rolling over
being held
smiling
talking
being held
laughing
making me stand and bounce while he takes a bottle
watching TJ
*waking up at night

*If you remember from last month, Gil was sleeping 8-10 hours every night.  He did this for over a month and suddenly stopped.  I am devastated.  TJ slept through the night at the same age, so it's all I know.  I realize how lucky I am.  To add insult to injury, TJ has been getting up at night too.  It's a conspiracy.  They love to tag team me.  If one gets up it is a guarantee that the other will wake up an hour or 2.


TJ 20 months:

weight: 28lbs at 18 month check up
height: about 33"
  

TJ's favorite things:

climbing

saying/doing SHHHHH!

running away for diaper changes

going outside

trying to pick up Gil 

making everything a phone

climbing

going outside

folding his hands and squinting his eyes to pray

waving goodbye to everything/everyone

I love watching their relationship develop.  Gil is fascinated with TJ and watches every move he makes.  Gil lights up the second he sees TJ.  TJ is so sweet and caring to Gil.  He has become quite the little mamma.  Always making sure Gil has everything he needs.  I an one blessed Mamma!

Gilbert Michael 2 months

It's crazy how time just slips away when you have a baby.  Sometimes it's fast....like when you finally get to close your eyes, other times it's slow.....like when they just won't fall asleep for a nap.  Either way, hours, days and weeks just pass in the blink of an eye.  Another month has passed so here's the update on our baby Gil:

GILBERT MICHAEL 2 MONTHS

Weight: 12lbs 8oz

Height: 23 1/2 in (I think it was more like 23)

Look at that little chubber!  So this picture was actually taken at 2 months +1 week.  Oops, poor second child.  I also never got around to ordering his month-by-month stickers....but seriously they are so much cuter naked than any sticker!

Gil's Favorite things:

Smiling

Being in the swing

Smiling

"talking"

Sleeping 9-10 hours straight at night (maybe that's more Mom's favorite)

Smiling

Taking a bath

Did I mention smiling?

2 Months.....ouch

On Monday Gil turned 2 months.  And after the last 2 weeks, I am singing a slightly different tune than I had in my last post.  We all got colds and when Mom is sick, no one is having a good time.  To add insult to injury, Tim has had to work late every night for the last two weeks.  Every night.  On a good night he has been home just in time to kiss TJ goodnight.  My hard working man leaves at 5:30am and hasn't been getting home until after 7pm.  This has left me alone with these babies from the time they wake to the time they sleep. 

 I.am.losing.it.

 Plain and simple.

I pride myself on my patience.  I don't get worked up. I don't raise my voice.  I don't react out of frustration.  I respond calmly and kindly.  I make a conscience effort into creating a calm, loving home.  AND then last week happened.  At one point I was yelling screaming, "TJ NOOOOOOO STOP!!  I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THATTTTTTTT!!!!"  TJ looked at me and just started SCREAMING!!!  I'm thinking to myself, when did he start screaming!?  I can't believe he will be that kid.  This is horrible, I'm going to have the kid who screams in public............then it hit me.  He wasn't the screamer, I was.  Yuck.  Gross.  If you are looking for me, you can find me in my closet of shame.  I can still see his little face when he started screaming.  He was startled and frustrated.  It's as if the only thing he could think to do was match me at this new game of "How loud can you be?"  

I would like to say I had this epiphany the first time I yelled at him.  But in the spirit of honesty, this was like 2-3 days into my new volume.  I was holding Gil, who was crying something fierce at the time.  I sat down on the couch and just joined him in the tears.  Poor TJ, not knowing what to do, just burst into tears himself.  So, there I sat, holding both the boys, all of us crying.  It was that feeling you get when you are a kid, "I wanna go home!"  Then I realized, this is home (double yuck), and it is my job to make this better (can you hear the conviction cutting through my heart?).  I'm not sure if it was the "pull-up your boot straps" moment or the intense conviction, but I made it better.  I am a whole 3 days in, but it has been better.  It probably helps that I have been having some serious conversations with Jesus......before I pick these sweet boys up in the morning, after I lay their little heads down at night and many times in between.  I find such comfort knowing He's got this, therefore I have complete assurance I am not alone.  In Him I am beyond capable of doing my day-to-day with a renewed spirit.   I thank God he's in control because I suck at it.

On a happier note, I will leave you with the highlights of our month!

Gil on his 1 month birthday

Grandma came to visit

We went for a train ride

Gil got his first haircut

Before

After

Our first Halloween as a family of 4

2 Under 2

I have now spent 6 weeks in the trenches and I am loving it.  In all fairness, only 3 of them have been alone.  I was seriously afraid of what this new life might be like.  I imagined it to be constant chaos, sleepless nights, crying days and a whole lot of mess in between.  Very little of that has been the case, or at least not to the extent I convinced myself it would be.

Recovery from my second c-section has been so much easier.  I convinced the Dr to release me after only 2 days in the hospital.  He kept telling me most women stay for 4-5, but I was cleared so there was no real reason for me to stay.  The first few days home had me worried.  The house was a bit disheveled and I could barely get to the bathroom, let alone clean the way I wanted to.  For anyone who has been to my house, you are aware that I like things to be clean and organized.  All I could see were toys, dishes and unmade beds.  It was like a weird hell for this Type A (with some self admitted OCD tendencies) mama.  I believe I communicated my angst to Tim in a tearful rage.  Probably not one of my finer moments.  Needless to say, my loving husband who is all too aware of my "cleanliness issues" kicked it into high gear and became Super Dad/Mom/Person who has to do everything the hormonal crazy on the couch yells at him to do.  He was awesome.  Having things done "my way" helped to tone down some of my crazy and within less than a week I was up and moving.

I think the first 2-3 weeks I was holding my breath to see just how bad 2 under 2 would be.  I was preparing myself for the horror.  Gil didn't get the memo that nighttime = sleep.  I was up until midnight and then up every 2 hours to feed him until 6am when TJ would get up.  There was the immediate panic, is this how he is going to be for the next year?  I'll die.  I mean, I really will die.  Gil has since got the memo and I'm actually getting some real sleep.  TJ was pretty indifferent to this new addition.  He really didn't pay Gil much attention, until he would cry.  One of us would go to pick up Gil and TJ would stand in front of Gil and start whining to be picked up.  It was quite comical to watch TJ race to wherever Gil was and try to block us from getting him.  Thankfully TJ quickly realized the crying "thing" needed Mommy and Daddy.  He has actually become a really big help.  TJ's favorite tasks include; throwing away diapers, covering Gil with his blanket and making sure Gil has a pacifier (that he refuses to take).   Every shower I took in the beginning involved at least one child crying or joining me.  On the bright side, I was getting a shower.  In the mess of all of this I was fine.  I kept waiting for the overwhelming feelings to come, but they never did (or at least yet :).  It just keeps getting easier.

I have found the groove to my new normal (the boys having naps at the same time may contribute to that a little :).  My family has been fed, my bed has been made, I have taken showers, the laundry is done, I've made it to Bible study, I've gone grocery shopping alone with the two boys and I have not gone crazy.  I have even had time/energy to scrub the house to my crazy OCD hearts content.  When I think back to all of the anxiety I had about having two babies I have to chuckle at myself.  Things are not AS clean, organized or easy as they were before, but I feel more joy now while I'm "kill'n it" than I knew possible.  It's funny how as life gets more complicated it also gets a whole lot richer.

Gilbert Michael

Our sweet miracle #2 joined us on Wednesday September 4, 2013. 

Gilbert Michael Gramp

8lbs 8oz

20 inches

9:48 am

After months of agonizing over how this little one would make his enterance, he came through the zipper in my belly.  To say I didn't want another c-section is beyond an understatement.  Then again, I really didn't want to "have" the baby any way.  I was hoping some how the baby would just magically appear.  No labor, no pushing, no cutting, just poof....baby!  Apparently with all of the medical advances today, that is not yet an option.    Everything went perfectly (besides the panic attack I had in the operating room that almost lead me to pushing a nurse and running out of the operating room screaming) and much to our surprise out popped a screaming baby BOY!

Although we had no idea if it was going to be a boy or girl, EVERYONE thought I was having a girl.  I was told by family, friends, strangers in target....heck, even some of the labor and delivery nurses said I had a "girl" bump.  When the Dr. said, "It's a boy!" Tim jumped up, dropped my hand and ran over to make sure they had inspected the baby's "parts" correctly.  When he remembered I was there came back to me he was literally crying tears of joy!  I guess the good Lord saw it fit to spare him the fear and torment of fathering a little princess.

I now have a house full of boys and a heart full of joy!  I can't wait to watch TJ and Gil grow together and become best friends!

Bunk Beds And Babies

So once again I have gotten behind on my posts.  Not that it matters to anyone else, but I do want to use this as journal/scrap book for my kids to be able to look back on and see our life at a time before they can remember.  Anyway, we have had a wonderful summer.  Grandparents have come to visit, we’ve gone to Jersey to see family, lots of BBQing with friends, almost every day is spent in our turtle pool and my belly has continued to grow. 

Here I am literally a week away from a major life change for our family….a new baby.  I wanted to make sure I get some thoughts down before baby comes.  I know it will be crazy for a while and I want to recount these feelings first hand.  Not another 6 months from now when I can’t remember life without the new little one.

Bunk beds:  My current “baby” was just moved to a bunk bed in anticipation of the new baby.  This was hard for me.  I expected it to be hard for TJ, nope.  I have spent many nights over the past few months sneaking into the nursery, picking up my sleeping baby boy from his crib in the middle of the night, and rocking him while I cry.  Crazy, I know.  I have many sad feelings (aka pregnancy hormones) that he is growing too fast and then even more sad feelings that we are moments away from pushing him out of his babyhood and into the “big boy” role.  The problem is with me, he doesn’t seem to mind a bit.  He took to sleeping in a big boy bed, in his new big boy room, just like a big boy would.  There have been zero problems, I mean nothing. We lay him down, he goes to sleep.   I even hesitate to write that because the chaos could be right around the corner.  Twice now we have gone in to check him right before we go to bed and found him on the floor with his blankie and “nigh-night” puppy.  It is so funny to think what he must do/think when we leave the room.  Tim just ordered some nanny cams so we can actually watch what goes on when a 17 month old is left, by himself, in a room. 

Babies:  Babies, babies, babies.  Even now, as I am days away from meeting this baby, I am still wrapping my head around the idea of having another baby!  I find it funny when people say things like “this was a surprise baby”….really?  You know where babies come from so there really isn’t any surprise if you get pregnant.

 I cannot claim to have ever dealt with infertility.  However, before I got pregnant and even before I met Tim, I was told I would have fertility issues.  It would be a long and hard road to a baby.    Being told something like that before you’ve ever tried is beyond devastating.  God and I had many conversations on the topic.  By the time Tim and I were having real conversations about starting a family, God had already put my fears to rest.  This didn’t mean I was promised my own baby, but I knew I would be a mother.  I didn’t know what that looked like.  Maybe I would have my own, maybe we would adopt, maybe we would be foster parents.  I just knew that my desires would be fulfilled to the fullest and only He knew how that would happen.  Doctors gave us “hope” through invasive /expensive options.  Neither of us felt that was the route for us.  We were going to do what people do and if nothing comes of it, we agreed on a time frame to start the process of adoption. We were at peace, God was in control.   Imagine our shock in awe when BOOM pregnant!  We were over a year away from our adoption time frame; it’s not even fair to say we tried.  I know couples who have tried…….for years.  My heart breaks for them.  I know what it felt like to just think that was going to be our story.  I can’t even imagine the heart break of actually living it. 

So, along came TJ.  Perfect and beautiful.  The blessing of getting to be his mother is not lost on me.  Watching him experience the world is far more fulfilling than I thought possible.  In the throes of motherhood I look at his little face and thank God for this short time I have with him…..and sometimes I call Tim and make sure he knows he better get home asap!  My heart was full and life was better than I could have imagined.

And then it happened, again.  The girl who wasn’t supposed to have babies apparently is the girl who always gets pregnant.  My miracle baby was 8 months old and miracle #2 was on its way!  Shocked is an understatement (even though, as I stated earlier, I do know where babies come from).  Yes I wanted more children, yes I hoped God would work another miracle…but gosh, this soon!?

The prospect of having 2 babies at home was/is overwhelming.  I had one already.  I was kill’n it with one.  My house is clean, my child is well behaved, I have dinner on the table every night, the laundry is done, I read to TJ, Tim’s shirts are ironed and his lunches are made, I host play dates and dinner parties, I make my bed, I bake cookies for the neighbors, I babysit my friends kids, I sew, heck I even shower…like every day.   Having 2 under 2 will disrupt my “kill’n it” instead I might look like “they’re kill’n me”……..all of this to say, this pregnancy has been an adjustment.   

The feelings of longing for the smell of that sweet baby curled up on your chest combined with sleepless nights and struggling to breast feed are all mixed together…..joy and horror, excitement and anxiety.  I can't believe in a matter of days we will have a real live person added to our family.  Who is this little person going to be?  Boy or Girl?  How will their little personality fit our family like it was always there?  I am comforted to know God was in control when I thought it would never happen and I know He is in control when it keeps on happening!  I can't wait to introduce our sweet miracle #2!