So once again I have gotten behind on my posts. Not that it matters to anyone else, but I do
want to use this as journal/scrap book for my kids to be able to look back on
and see our life at a time before they can remember. Anyway, we have had a wonderful summer. Grandparents have come to visit, we’ve gone
to Jersey to see family, lots of BBQing with friends, almost every day is spent
in our turtle pool and my belly has continued to grow.
Here I am literally a week away from a major life change for our family….a new baby. I wanted to make
sure I get some thoughts down before baby comes. I know it will be crazy for a while and I want
to recount these feelings first hand.
Not another 6 months from now when I can’t remember life without the new
little one.
Bunk beds: My current
“baby” was just moved to a bunk bed in anticipation of the new baby. This was hard for me. I expected it to be hard for TJ, nope. I have spent many nights over the past few
months sneaking into the nursery, picking up my sleeping baby boy from his crib
in the middle of the night, and rocking him while I cry. Crazy, I know. I have many sad feelings (aka pregnancy hormones) that he is growing too fast and then even more sad feelings that we are moments
away from pushing him out of his babyhood and into the “big boy” role. The problem is with me, he doesn’t seem to
mind a bit. He took to sleeping in a big
boy bed, in his new big boy room, just like a big boy would. There have been zero problems, I mean nothing.
We lay him down, he goes to sleep. I even hesitate to write that because the
chaos could be right around the corner.
Twice now we have gone in to check him right before we go to bed and
found him on the floor with his blankie and “nigh-night” puppy. It is so funny to think what he must do/think
when we leave the room. Tim just ordered
some nanny cams so we can actually watch what goes on when a 17 month old is
left, by himself, in a room.
Babies: Babies,
babies, babies. Even now, as I am days
away from meeting this baby, I am still wrapping my head around the idea of
having another baby! I find it funny
when people say things like “this was a surprise baby”….really? You know where babies come from so there
really isn’t any surprise if you get pregnant.
I cannot claim to have
ever dealt with infertility. However,
before I got pregnant and even before I met Tim, I was told I would have fertility
issues. It would be a long and hard road
to a baby. Being told something like
that before you’ve ever tried is beyond devastating. God and I had many conversations on the
topic. By the time Tim and I were having
real conversations about starting a family, God had already put my fears to
rest. This didn’t mean I was promised my
own baby, but I knew I would be a mother.
I didn’t know what that looked like.
Maybe I would have my own, maybe we would adopt, maybe we would be
foster parents. I just knew that my
desires would be fulfilled to the fullest and only He knew how that would
happen. Doctors gave us “hope” through
invasive /expensive options. Neither of
us felt that was the route for us. We
were going to do what people do and if nothing comes of it, we agreed on a time
frame to start the process of adoption. We were at peace, God was in
control. Imagine our shock in awe when BOOM
pregnant! We were over a year away from
our adoption time frame; it’s not even fair to say we tried. I know couples who have tried…….for years. My heart breaks for them. I know what it felt like to just think that
was going to be our story. I can’t even
imagine the heart break of actually living it.
So, along came TJ. Perfect
and beautiful. The blessing of getting
to be his mother is not lost on me. Watching
him experience the world is far more fulfilling than I thought possible. In the throes of motherhood I look at his
little face and thank God for this short time I have with him…..and sometimes I
call Tim and make sure he knows he better get home asap! My heart was full and life was better than I
could have imagined.
And then it happened,
again. The girl who wasn’t supposed to
have babies apparently is the girl who always gets pregnant. My miracle baby was 8 months old and miracle
#2 was on its way! Shocked is an
understatement (even though, as I stated earlier, I do know where babies come
from). Yes I wanted more children, yes I
hoped God would work another miracle…but gosh, this soon!?
The prospect of having 2 babies at home was/is overwhelming. I had one already. I was kill’n it with one. My house is clean, my child is well behaved, I have dinner on the table every night, the laundry is done, I read to TJ, Tim’s shirts are ironed and his lunches are made, I host play dates and dinner parties, I make my bed, I bake cookies for the neighbors, I babysit my friends kids, I sew, heck I even shower…like every day. Having 2 under 2 will disrupt my “kill’n it” instead I might look like “they’re kill’n me”……..all of this to say, this pregnancy has been an adjustment.
The feelings of longing for the smell of that sweet baby
curled up on your chest combined with sleepless nights and struggling to breast
feed are all mixed together…..joy and horror, excitement and anxiety. I can't believe in a matter of days we will have a real live person added to our family. Who is this little person going to be? Boy or Girl?
How will their little personality fit our family like it was always
there? I am comforted to know God was in
control when I thought it would never happen and I know He is in control when
it keeps on happening! I can't wait to introduce our sweet miracle #2!
