My children are not an inconvienence

So here's my rant......I went to the grocery store with all 3 loves this morning.  That means I am wearing the baby and the boys are being pushed in the ever coveted car cart.  My small caravan seems to draw attention.  It's only 3 children people.  The boys were unusually well behaved.  They sat nicely in the cart and pretended they were driving.  Lulu slept the entire time and everything was right in the world.  {Well, enter other shoppers stage left}  So we are cruising along and I've  received a number of kind smiles with the pause and head nod.  These are my favorite, it's usually another mother.  It's her way of acknowledging another Mama in the thick of it.  Then a husband and wife duo pass and the wife "whispers" to her husband, "Double Trouble"  this was not a cute acknowledgement.  It was a hushed remark noting the inconvenience of my children.  I kept pushing my caravan and come to a woman with her baby, who stops and says "You sure have YOUR hands full" again, this wasn't a complement is was an exasperated remark that my children are an inconvenience.  Usually, I just politely smile when people comment on my "Hands being full" but there was something to her tone that annoyed me.  I kept walking and just said, "full of my greatest gifts".    I am  typically equally annoyed {apparently, I need to have a good look at myself, because I am often annoyed} at the overly sentimental people who would say something like that.  "Your greatest gift", "It goes so quick" or "Enjoy every moment" {I know people!  I know!  I really  truly know.  I love them little. I would pause them at these ages forever if I could} This was not another Mama saying, "Carry on Soldier, carry on."  it was negative and I wanted her to know that my children are cherished.  Why do I feel like people act like kids are an inconvenience? {Don't even get me started on the idea of bringing treat bags on airplanes because you have to breath the same air as my children.  How is that a thing?  Get over yourself.}  Better yet, why do I also feel that way myself at times?  They are not an afterthought or an inconvenience, they are a prized possession I am lucky to have received......at least this is what the small voice has been reminding me the last few months.

Gosh people, this parenting gig is HARD.  I babysat, worked as a nanny, worked in a daycare and taught for 6 yrs.  I have the most expansive experience of anyone I know, but it is still harder than I could have imagined. I have witnessed good parenting.  I feel like I am even the recipient of good parenting.  It is a constant dance of boundaries, limits, love, consequences, letting go, and grace.   I feel like my days/weeks are spent balancing my blinding rage and seeing through tearful tenderness.  Having a 3rd baby has pushed me to my limit.  It has challenged me in ways I didn't want to be challenged.  It has forced me to look to myself as the source of my frustration.  The problem is not the small people who need me, it is me and my battle trying to maintain my "self".

I am a creative person.  I enjoy expressing creativity in pretty much everything I do, decorating, throwing parties, exercising, cooking, writing, reading, organizing, crafting, sewing and pretty much anything else.  Raising children and running a home make it hard to find time to invest in things creatively.  There isn't enough time in the day for me to take care of everything and sit down to a project.  A large part of this is also due to my constant need for a controlled environment.  I thrive in a clean, organized home.  My need for cleanliness and organization run deep into my soul.  Children naturally do a great job of creating the opposite of cleanliness and organization.  Amy's idea of order + Children = frustration.  I have enough sense to allow my children to be children and enjoy them in the moment, but there is also a constant underlying boil of frustration from the chaos.

With each additional child, my ability to maintain order and have creative outlets has gotten harder and harder.  With 2, it was hard, but still manageable.  But, with a 3rd, not going to happen.  These last 3 months have been hard.  Creative outlets?  What the heck are those, I just want to get some of the laundry done and poop in private.  My sweet Lulu has been suffering from reflux.  She was unhappy and cried ALL. THE. TIME. {I say WAS because we seem to have finally found her some relief.  Praise be to God!} And the icing on the cake was and is Tim's traveling schedule, it has hit it into high gear the last few months.  If you want to find your breaking point, have your husband travel for 9 days and leave you alone with a 2 yr old, 3 yr old and 5 week old.   It is impossible to get anything done when a baby is screaming.  It is equally impossible to get anything done while holding or even wearing a baby.  When I would run errands the boys walk slow, ask questions and touch things.  All completed by the constant crying of Lulu in the background.  I have places to be and things to do.  Get it together kids, Mama doesn't have time for this.  I just wanted to get some things done without them constantly interrupting.  Everything was hard and felt inconvenient {unbuckling three children to walk 2 ft to drop off the dry cleaning will send me into a tantrum}.  Well, I'm pretty sure Lulu and I were crying together one night and I cried out to God.  I think I said something like, "This is hard.  Really, really hard.  I just want to feel normal and myself again.  I am overwhelmed.  Help me!"  My interpretation of "normal" is code for, help Lulu to stop crying so I can get things done and the boys to be better listeners and become robots so I don't have to keep parenting them.  Then I will be able to be "Amy" again, Okay?  I want to clean my house, get back to the gym, and I've got a few sewing projects I'd like to get to.  Thanks, that'd be great.    God met me in my brokenness, but it wasn't with a silent baby and robots.  It's with the a renewed idea of dying to self, putting others before me and what my expectation for "normal" is.  "Amy" is not lost, but she needs to get over her"self" and get her priorities straight.  I have an amazing "creative outlet" at my disposal, my children.    They are not an inconvenience to what I am trying to get done or my attempts to maintain "Amy" or my house.  They are my greatest challenge, greatest treasure and my greatest achievement.  Some days, my only note worthy task may be calming a screaming baby.  That is it.

This is hard and this "hard" is my season.   I don't say that in a "woe is me" kind of way.  I say that encouraged.  At some point, I will live in an organized house, cook a wonderful meal for a dinner party, sew an adorable baby present, regularly make it to the gym, poop alone and be generally awesome.  Until then, I will just be generally awesome right where I'm at.

Gilbert 1 Years Old! A year in Reflection...

12 Months

Height: 29"

Weight: 20 lbs 10 oz

Gil's Highlights:
Smiling
Playing with TJ
Throwing food on the floor
Blowing kisses
Snuggling
Sleeping through the night
Words: Mama, Dah-de, up, uh-oh

This little one is so proud of the big boy he is!  So happy to Celebrate 1!

When I see this sweet face and this little body goes limp on my shoulder, I wonder why I worried about the arrival of this little love.  By the time I wrote about preparing for 2 babies so close in age I felt somewhat prepared and equipped for the task.  However, the first 2-3 months were a roller coaster. It seemed as if every time I felt I had a handle on it, I would be met with multiple days of disaster.

I finally found my groove and then it felt like time was slipping away.  With TJ, I had all the time in the world to take every moment in.  With Gil, a successful day sometimes just meant survival. For a while I felt like I missed things because I had been surviving instead of thriving.  So naturally, all my true crazy came out and I was trying to relish EVERYTHING.  I tearfully watched my baby grow. (Because this is GIL'S birthday post, I won't even get into my feelings on TJ growing up during all of this)

We all know a Mom who wishes each day away...they will be happy when/if: the baby sleeps through the night, they don't have to make dinner, their toddler is potty trained, they can run errands without buckling/unbuckling little ones a thousand times......I've been there.  I've wished the moments and days away.  But in that, I missed all the joy of what was happening.

Then there is the Mom who tries to hold on to every moment......everything they do on social media is #slowdown #growingtoofast...I'm kidding, but seriously, we all know how fast they grow.  This is the Mom who tries to hold on......with every step they are over emotional or try to hold a little too tight to their children.  Not allowing their children to truely meet their full potential.  I've been there.  I wanted to hold on tight and hope time would slow.  Once again, in wishing for what wasn't, I was missing what was.

 I had swung from one extreme to another (I'm sure post pregnancy hormones, sleep deprivation and husband gone on business travel had nothing to do with it ;)   I needed balance.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

 "therefore I will hope in him."  

Lamentations 3:22-24

I am so thankful for a Savior who has met me at each swing of my crazy pendulum and helped to restore balance.  With my hope found in Him I have experienced joy right where I am.  I am joyful in days that our greatest achievement is survival.  All family members and body parts are accounted for.  Sometimes in different times zones or countries, but accounted for nonetheless.  I find joy in days that I thrive.  Days when the house is spotless, the errands are complete, I fully engaged my children and my dinner should have been showcased on FoodNetwork.

Either way, "the Lord is my portion"

So, Gilbert Michael Gramp.  You are such a little dream.  You are so happy and sweet, no matter how tired or hungry.  You are friendly and love to greet people and you always make sure they notice you.  The word "No" does not faze you, no matter how stern it is said (oh boy).  You have become a blankie lover and quite the little snuggler.  TJ loves to play with you and often requests I make you stay by him. You are  the perfect addition to our family.  I can't imagine our family without our Gilby-do

9, 10. 11

9 Months

Height: 27"

Weight: 19 lbs 3oz

Gil's Highlights:
6 teeth (almost 8!)
smiling
eating
bothering TJ
smiling
almost/kind of crawling
Still only waking up once a night :)


*This little guy loves to eat!  He refused all types of baby food, including cereal!  But when it comes to table food he can't get enough

10 Months

Height:
Weight:

Gil's Highlights:

8 teeth

Full crawler

Smiling

Bothering TJ

Sometimes sleeping through the night :)

Like my haircut?

11 Months

Height:

Weight:

Of course, I forget to take the last picture before he turns1! This is the only  picture I have closest to the right date.

Gil's Highlights:
Smiling
Climbing up the stairs
Blowing kisses
CONSISTENTLY SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!

Come On In!

I'm linking up with Andrea at Momfessionals for her series of "Come On In!"  This is my first time joining in.  I usually just stalk all the other participants homes like the true creeper I am :)

We moved to our house about a year and a half ago.  We haven't really done much of anything yet.  We have painted a 3 rooms, but that is it.  After moving from our 800 sq ft condo in Hawaii to a much larger home in Maryland, we have spent time/energy/money just trying to furnish this place.  Now that we have all of our major furniture the decorating will begin.  As I type these words Big Love and his bank account tremble in fear :)

Toady's feature is Kitchen & Dining Rooms

Kitchen: The overall view

This is the view from the family room.  One of my favorite things about our kitchen is that leads into the family room and deck.  The two main places you will find my babies playing at any given time depending on the season.

View into the family room

Overall, I love my kitchen.  I've always loved white kitchens.  The previous owners had recently replaced the appliances...thanks for the white kitchen with new stainless steel appliances and a new BLACK dishwasher!?  Oh how I hate this dishwasher.  I have looked into replacing the front panel, it isn't offered for this model.  I can't seem to convince Big Love it should be replaced based on color not function....ahh, I girl can try :)

In my dream kitchen I would have an island big enough for seating

Little Corners:

This is TJ's art corner/snack table.  However, after a recent wall/floor/carpet/brother art exhibition, the art supplies have been removed until further notice or complete attention from Mama ;)




Love our little wood high chair!



The fridge is always filled with my loves




Ok, so I pride myself on my honesty.  Honesty says, that although my kitchen does typically look like this, this counter does not.  It is usually filled with mail and all of life's randoms.  It can get really embarrassing over here.  I happen to have just had a dinner party so it was already clean!




Love my little window.  I spend a lot of time staring off into our back yard while I do the dishes.

Dining Room

View from the living room.  I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do in the room.  I don't mind the wall color, but the window treatments aren't my style.  I like the light fixture, but I can't figure out why they didn't center it?




All I have to say is THE TABLE, oh how I love the table.  What I love about this table is that it is a beast, solid wood.  It weighs a ton and is hand made from refurbished barn wood that was over 100 yrs old.  In the current configuration I have one of the company boards (extensions) on.  I normally have it set for 6, but with chairs at the ends.  If both boards are on it can comfortably fit 10 and if we use benches we can fit 12-14.  This is my forever table.




I love all the knots and gouges.  Beautiful, beautiful one of a kind character.



Well, that does it.  Thanks for stopping in and visiting our kitchen and dining room!

8 months

Gilbert Michael

Height: Starting to wear 12 month clothes

Weight: 18lb 6oz (about 2 weeks ago)

Gil's Highlights:

Smiling

Clapping his hands

Pulling TJ's hair

Talking

Showing off his 5 teeth

Smiling

Starting to sleep at night :) 

*Finally we are back to up only once a night!!

Seriously, this little guy is such a dream!  He is the sweetest thing ever. Ever.  Obviously every mama thinks their baby is the sweetest.  I did too when I had TJ.  Then I had Gil, and I found out what it was to actually have the sweetest baby, not just think I had the sweetest baby.  I am so in love.

TJ

Height: Finally fitting 2T pants

Weight: no idea

TJ is 2.  Very, very 2.  I love it.  Every single minute.  From stinky to sweet in the blink of an eye.  My biggest challenge is trying to keep a straight face when giving serious 'I'm the one in charge' talks.  When I ask for a picture he says, "no pit-ers mama"  But, when I try to take a 'pit-er' without him this is what I get :)

*note the sweet little skinned knees peeking out of his FAVORITE "daddy shorts" aka basketball shorts.  Big Love goes to the gym every night before he comes home from work, so I think TJ thinks this is all Daddy wears :)  In true little boy fashion, he wants to be just like Daddy.  This kid wants to wear 'daddy shorts' everyday.  I had to go out and buy plain t-shirts to wear with them.  He was looking real silly with his polo shirts and basketball shorts.  Gosh I despise these shorts.  I may have willingly lost the battle of these ugly shorts and my personal rule against wearing tacky play clothes, but we have yet to own or even desire any sort of character clothing.  I will stand my ground on character attire.....until  it makes him just as happy as 'daddy shorts' ;)

Mother's Day

Morning kisses
Peonies
Donuts
Church
Centennial Lake
"no pit-ers mama"
Family walk
Sleeping baby
Park
Daddys and big boys play
Chipotle
Naps
Family walk
Vanilla ice cream with chocolate jimmies
Thai food
Messy, sweaty babies
Baths
Sleep

It was spent together on a beautiful day.  Big Love is recovering from surgery and felt horrible, but he still did all the things that would make me happy.  Flowers {peony bushes to be exact}, quality time and food.....he knows the way to my heart.

"no pit-ers"

"NOOOOOO, no pit-ers mama"

sweet sweaty baby

Gramp Randoms

Here are the randoms of our Gramp family this week:

1.  I love TJ's version of words these days.  Nothing makes me happier than asking him to repeat these words.  I act like I'm not sure what he said and I repeat the word.  He's always real serious and adds a head nod while he says it again :). Here are some of my personal favorites:
touch = truck
hell-topper = helicopter
farsher = parmesan
dammer = Grandma/Grandpa
*dammer is probably my favorite.  My parents where just visiting and he can say both of their names clearly, but chose 'dammer' as their interchangeable name

2.  I re-found these recently.  I haven't ordered them yet, but I imagine that they may be a motherhood life changer :)

3.  I just got this cute scarf and I love it.  I never find scarves I actually like, so I was so excited to wear it.  Problem is, it is impossible to wear a scarf as an accessory with babies.  The scarf ends up being eaten, choking me or just falling off.....then I end up looking like a hot mess which sort of defeats the purpose of wearing it.  I may be giving up on it for the foreseeable future.  I'm bummed but relieved at the same time.  Wearing these things kind of ,make me feel like I'm trying too hard anyway.

4.  Tim has been traveling for work quite a bit more in the last few months.  I think out of force of habit, I continue to make dinner every night....until last night.  Why was a making a full dinner for 1 1/2 people?  TJ would be just as happy if I handed him a cheese stick.  So last night we ate the following: garlic toast, blueberry muffin, peas and chips and guacamole.  It was delicious!  I think there may be a permanent change to our meal plans when Tim is traveling :)

5.  Diaper rash.  Horrible, horrible diaper rash.  This is new to me.  TJ has had an occasional red bum, but nothing like this.  Poor Gil.  After 2 weeks, every trick in the book, prescription strength butt paste {butt paste is in fact the name of the prescription} and airing out on towels {that are now forever changed} all day long, I think it is finally clearing up!

After a week of rain and being alone with the boys, we are so excited for Daddy to come home and play in the sunshine!  Hope you all have a great weekend too!